Balance

here is a story I’d like to share about my search in creating balance in my life.

As a small child, I grew up as a very different kind of child. Because I was different, I was created to be the family scapegoat. I was the sacrificial lamb that was always sacrificed to hide family atrocities of criminal acts of abuse and a lack of integrity from very dull minded people. Not that they were stupid at all. In fact, some have a bit of a higher IQ than most but they were not free thinkers, their minds are closed to anything outside of what they are told and they put all their creativity into underhanded schemes and throwing others “under the bus” to make themselves feel special when all along they didn’t really need to. they could have been the shining star on their own without destroying others on their journey but they chose a different path.

Because I grew up with this type of people, I learned to see the world with them as “the Norm”. I didn’t know that there were any others who saw things differently than my family did. I thought I was a freak of nature. I was torn between my own drive to seek knowledge, wisdom, and truth through a place of compassion and what my family told me I was supposed to be. If I achieved anything, I was bullied into believing there was something wrong with me and I was somehow bad for doing it. If I was an underachiever, I was a disappointment. I began to purposely give wrong answers on the test to prevent a 100% score. It had to be just less than perfect but not quite a failure. Sometimes, on tough tests, it would cause my grade to be lower than I planned.

I grew up purposely not doing my best because my best was questioned but less than my best pleased my family. If I did my best and got a perfect score, I was accused of cheating. So, as an adult that continued because when I got praised for an achievement, I felt guilty for doing well. So, in a particular job, I was doing fairly well. I was being targeted by less performing co-workers. I didn’t tell the boss when I was taking up the slack for my co-workers. I was hoping no one would notice. They noticed. My co-workers began to complain frivolously about my efforts and my boss pulled me aside and told me that I am the first employee ever in the history of the company to not get even one mistake trace back to my desk. He told me I am making enemies and that I should make a mistake once in a while. Then, he fired me for doing too well which reinforced my family’s message. Yes, I got unemployment for a month or two until I finally got another job but I felt really out of balance and I didn’t know why they didn’t like me because I didn’t make mistakes. After all, they benefitted from what I did and the only reason they kept their job was because I was taking up the slack and kept them out of trouble. I was just trying to help.

I didn’t understand feeling so out of balance with my life. Why I felt so guilty for doing well. I couldn’t stick up for myself because I didn’t feel worthy because somehow, it was my fault that others didn’t achieve anything. It was somehow my fault that me, just being myself, somehow overshadowed them and prevented others from being recognized and therefore prevented them from achieving as well as me. The secret is, I should have let them fail because failure is how we learn.

I continued to search for balance. Because I grew up being the designated sacrifice, I sacrificed my own needs, my own life for others just as I was conditioned to do. I was the type of person who would literally die for others. Looking back, I am not sure if I was brave because I didn’t fear death or suicidal because under it all, I just wanted to die. My life was completely out of balance.  I didn’t have the support I needed because I believed the world needed to destroy people like me and I felt obligated to let them. I saw myself as less than normal. An out of balance freak of nature who was conflicted between not being perfect and doing well at the same time.

When I reached my goal of becoming an office supervisor, I was satisfied with my achievement but was quickly accused of Witchcraft by my ex. He accused me of only getting the job because of a spell and not because of my own merit. Honestly, I didn’t even do a spell to get the job. I didn’t need to. I just needed to be me because I was the right person for the job. Looking back that was my “last straw”. I couldn’t take any more. I left that man and finally actively began to search for balance. I didn’t know what balance truly meant or where to find it. I didn’t know how to achieve it although everyone said I needed to be it.

I enrolled in college and still didn’t find balance. With two classes left to get my Bachelor’s Degree, I did what I usually do. I quit. The fear of accomplishment and the programming of self-sacrifice, I couldn’t finish. Do just less than my best. I had that life long need to not be “perfect” so I would be loved. If I got the degree, I knew my family would be angry and spiteful. If my family would feel that way, then the rest of the world would feel that way too. I had to fail to be accepted.

I still didn’t find balance after 4 years of college and an accumulation of giant student loans. I began to accept the labels of others. I must be a failure, I will never amount to anything, I am trash, I am stupid and the biggest one is that I am crazy. I was allowing others to define me. I worked really hard to fit those definitions that others put on me.

I still didn’t find balance. In fact, the harder I tried to fit those negligent descriptions the more distant balance felt.

It wasn’t until I found myself very ill and incapacitated that I realized, I am done trying to prove others right. I don’t need to prove them wrong either. I just needed to discover who I am and define me for myself. I went to Santa Muerta and gave my plea. I asked to be allowed to die or allowed to get well. I didn’t want to be in between life and death any longer.

I learned that balance isn’t a permanent state of being. It is a constant struggle to find balance. Balance is being not on the extreme side but being a little of both sides. Balance is a sense of reasonability and not being extreme. Fanaticism is out of balance. Balance is a place of equality and to be level. Not walking on the fence but being just the right amount of both such as the balancing act between life and work. Not to mistake grounding for balance.  For me, being balanced was not being on the extreme end of perfect or broken. I learned that my families definition of perfect was extreme and balance was found somewhere in the middle of perfection and failure. I found that balance in just being… Me.

I found balance through walking between the worlds of the living and the dead. Balance is a state of mind or thought. Eating just the right amount of food or drinking the right amount of water.  Having the right amount of good times and bad times is balance. Having both, the right amount of Success and Failure in life is where Balance exists. For me, Balance was found in my discovery of who I really am and allowing myself to be who I truly am.

Some people are afraid when I say that because the consensus is that when people say that, it is meant being a douche. I discovered that I am not a douche but a likable person just as myself. I didn’t need to form myself to someone else’s definition. I found others who have achieved and know that it is normal to achieve goals and want me to be the best me possible is a place of balance. People who are comfortable with themselves find me likable just as I am.

Because I am not the “Perfect Witch” I will fight when I need to defend myself. I am not on the extreme scale of “Good” or “Bad”. I am in balance when I find myself not being on the extreme black or white side but more in the gray area. The Gray Witch. I enjoy being nice. I enjoy being friendly, I enjoy my few successes and learn from my many failures. I don’t like fighting, but I will defend myself. If you see Bitchface me, there is a reason because I don’t like having to say No or stand in a position of resistance but the warrior in me has grown strong enough to be the person I need to be when I need to be it.

I’ve often said, I want a mate who can be the sweet lover I need when I need it and the Tough Warrior when it is necessary. meaning he can say no and understands he can’t please everyone all the time. In that, I see balance. I see people who don’t like to fight and they try to please everyone. I was trying to be a people pleaser all the time too. That is not where we find balance.  Balance is not easily achieved. Knowing when to be Nice and when to stand up and defend oneself takes work and courage. Balance in thought, belief and actions is a hard thing to have.

To be balanced all the time? I don’t believe it is possible. We eventually lose balance and have to fight to regain our balance and that is after a lot of practice finding that perfect state of mind. Different things work for different people and yes there are some who are balanced most of the time. It doesn’t come easily to everyone or anyone. It is a challenge to maintain that state of being constantly.

I am usually happy and I like positive memes and sayings and people. I enjoy a positive state of mind but I also experience negative states of mind. It is creepy to be extremely happy all the time. Reminds of the movie the Stepford Wives. Being aware of my thoughts, being aware of my feelings and being aware of where I am at the present moment helps me to find those moments of balance in my life. There are many aspects of our lives that we have to balance that it becomes a Juggling life while balancing. Sometimes we will lose that balance. Life isn’t always Zen.

I told my boyfriend one day when he was stressed to high heaven that it would be a good idea to take a cleansing breath and regroup. He said he doesn’t need a cleansing breath. He thrives under stress. For him, stress is a benefit. He uses it to achieve. It is the fire under his behind that gets him motivated.

Each of us needs a balance of stress. For me, I need that extra cleansing breath when it’s time to relax but I stress too much and it throws me off balance. Our Balancing act in life is determined by our own skills and needs. Finding Balance is a personal journey. It is a personal experience and helps us to grow and become our potential.

My story may resonate with some but it won’t with all. In that, the universe keeps balance. We are individuals with similarities but we are not the same therefore how I find balance will not work for everyone. One person’s methods of success will not work for everyone. One person’s solutions will not solve everyone’s problem. We get ideas from others. Things we can try. Things we can piece together for ourselves and make it specific to us. That is how we help each other find balance.

We help ourselves and each other find balance through sharing our stories and our solutions. Keeping an open mind and trying to avoid extreme beliefs, thoughts, and feelings or at least reeling them back in to regain our steps. Experience helps us to understand. It has to be felt and experienced to truly understand some things. That Ah Ha! moment of enlightenment. The epiphany or realization. I finally learned what it is to feel balance and it only took me 50 years.

It is the difference between suppressings a desire to get revenge from actually not needing to get revenge. It is a point or place that is crossed into. To forgive and not need revenge and being able to just move on after being hurt, damaged, or traumatized. Taking the next step in healing on our journey to find a balance in our lives is a good place to start.

I wish you well on your journey through life.

In Love and Light,